Like mah body?

Like Mah Body?

I like my current body alright, but I don't love it. It's OK, but not what I always wanted. At this stage in the game, why settle for less than what I wanted when I'm the person in charge of whether I get something I love or something just OK? I've had enough things that were just OK. It's finally time to go get exactly what I want.

Some people like my body exactly the way it is now, some think it's too fat. I'll never please all of them, and it's really not that important what they think since they don't have to spend all day and all night in it for the rest of my life like I do. I doesn't matter what they think, it matters what I think, and apparently I have a problem with it, even though my body is just one part of me. So I'm taking action on it.

I am in charge of this issue. Not my thyroid. Not my mother. Not the media. Not corporate America. Not men. Not the government. Not the economy. I am in charge of this issue, and I'm officially taking charge of it right now. Nothing and no one else is coming between me and my way on this subject. Not even Me, the only person who could really stop me anyway.

Undeniably in Denial

I'm personally OK with being a size 12. I look OK. I don't feel that comfortable being seen in a bikini, but, I'm about 80% OK with being a size 12. Unfortunately, the rest of the world is not OK with me being a size 12. It has a huge problem with it and wants me to be between a 0 and a 6. Proof is everywhere. It's undeniable.

Or maybe, I'm “in denial.”

I'm finally tired of the constant resistance, and am now willing to go with the flow, and change.

I Admit I Have A Problem

This minute, I'm about a size 12. I feel relieved that I'm not a 14 right now, but I do realize that I'm only one or two trips to Popeyes away from going back there. I choose to not go there (and by there I mean Popeye's) for four reasons:

1. I've decided I love myself even more than I love fried chicken, and I really love fried chicken.
2. Eating too much fried chicken is an act of self-hate, not of self-love.
3. Even if I consumed enough hoodia and ephedra to cancel out the weight gain effects of fried chicken, I may still have a heart attack or have to take prescription drugs, and I really hate
prescription drugs.
4. I'm so tired of this cycle and ready to try something different. I'm committed to freeing myself of it.

Loving Myself Even More Than I Love Fried Chicken

After many hard lessons, I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't mean that we can't have goals, or want to improve or expand ourselves, but if we reject or find fault with the people we are now, we will always reject/find fault/not be OK with those people, even when the circumstances do change. We will always be depressed.

Of course we'll have better health with good nutrition and exercise, and we'll most likely feel better due to balanced hormones created by good nutrition and exercise. As good as those things are for us, I've slipped back down the junk and comfort food slope many times.

I love junk and comfort food, especially fried chicken, Coca-Cola, and chocolate cake from Costco. I love the how it tastes, and how it reliably comforts me and makes me feel safe and that everything's going to be OK. Of course it won't be. It's exhausting to keep going through these cycles every couple years where I freak out when I get back up to a 14 and then drive myself and everybody around me crazy getting back to an 8, until eventually something happens and I go back to my old habits, and back to a 14.

I'd rather finally lick it once and for all, so I don't have to go through it again, so I can enjoy wearing cute clothes, and getting the preferential treatment you get when you're thinner, and oftentimes even making more money as a result of being thinner and/or more confident. At this point, I've decided I love myself even more than I love fried chicken, and I am making a commitment right here and now to significantly reduce my consumption of it, so I don't have to keep putting myself through this hell of losing it/getting it back/losing it/getting it back.

25 Years and 75 Milligrams of Effexor Later....

For the past 25 years I've been losing it, getting it back, losing it, getting it back, and I'm not just talking about money. I'm talking about weight. In the last ten years, my weight has been up and down 40lbs and between a size 8 and 14. (I never buy anything over a 14 no matter how tight a 14 gets. Either it splits at the seams, which trust me honey, it has, or I wear things that stretch. Even when I did fit into a 6 I still felt fat, that there was something unacceptable about me, and everything would be OK if I were a 0, a 2, or 4.

Experience has shown me that achieving the ideas of what I think is OK or perfect rarely really makes things OK or perfect, because there's always something still lacking. That something lacking could be struggle, and maybe I'm just bored without it.

At this juncture, I fully realize the person I am now will still be there no matter how much the circumstances around me change, and trust me they have. I've been fat, I've been skinny. I've been rich, I've been poor. I won't self-righteously tell you I've got it ALL figured out, because as I know from experience, I'm only about 75mg of Effexor away from walking and talking just like Anna Nicole.

The Top 10 Things I learned from Anna Nicole

10# DO NOT MIX A BUNCH OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

9# Do not go on television and prescription drugs at the same time

8# Do not take other people's prescription drugs

7# Ephedra and hoodia may make you look good, but they're not good for you

6# Consuming equal amounts of ephedra, hoodia, and fried chicken may make you look and feel good, but is not good for you

5# There is a time and a place for fried chicken, and the sense of well being and comfort it gives you does outweigh the negative dietary effects, when consumed in moderation

4# When you consume too much fried chicken, the misery of being fat does outweigh positive sense of well being and comfort that fried chicken provides

3# It doesn't matter whether people think you're a genius or an airhead, as long as you have a clear head. Without a clear head, you're at other people's mercy no matter how smart or good you look.

2# You have to surround yourself with people that love the Real You. When your mental and physical health is compromised people who do not love the Real You will take advantage of the whole you.

1# You do what you gotta, but you gotta know what you're doing.